Room For Improvement

(please ENJOY and SUBCRIBE!!!)

It’s half eleven and your doorbell chimes

Yeah, I know I said I’d start at 9

But I had to grab a bap on the M25

Don’t worry, love

Still gonna charge for the time

‘Cause I’m the jack of all tradesmen

And your place is craving renovation

Straight from the facias

Down into your basement

‘Fraid your radiators need replacements

Greatest decorator in an eighth mile radius

Don’t check my ratings

Swear they’re outrageous

All their outrage is baseless

I’m blameless

Only three of my extensions ever caved in

You got savings?

Ooh, well I hope you do

‘Cause it’s a heck of a job that I’m quoting you

Look, I know that you only want a coat of blue

But to be safe I’d better run my dozer through

I could do it in a flash

In a jiffy

In a jot

But the trouble is, love

It’s coming up one O’Clock

So I’ll have a spot of lunch

Then a cuppa

Then I’m off

And I’ll come back tomorrow

See if anything’s in stock

If I’ve got it in the van, that’s grand

If I haven’t then I gotta’ get the parts from Japan

They should be here Jan

Maybe June

In year

Maybe two

But I’ll take the down payment now

See you soon

I tell you, I’ve got five star reviews!

And by that I mean I have five one star reviews which is basically the same thing.

Don't think about it.

Satisfaction guaranteed

Cash in hand and no receipts

Your dream home is my debris

How’s about a cup of tea?

I can see a little room for improvement

I can see a little room for improvement

Now, are you sure you want the glass translucent?

I can see a little room for improvement

A one man overhaul

Sporting overalls

Though I don’t recall

The load bearing walls

So I ‘spose I ought to bulldoze ‘em all

Eh, your home is sort of disposable

I do wiring

Grouting

I put your power shower in

That pipe ain’t leakin’

It’s just a little fountain

Whatd’ya mean that’s not what a power shower is?

The spout’s right here

Where the plugs are mounted?

I’m the handyman with the plan

To retire via cheating cash from your gran

Do you really need to tile all my ceilings?

That’s right

I’m afraid

That’ll be ten grand

If your wall’s too bland I can lend a hand

Got a car full of samples to artfully fan

And most of the lead free cans aren’t banned

Though some colours are still carcinogens

We got:

Eggshell

Beige

Ecru

Sage

Hessian

And Sesame

And Peppermint rage

Indigo Dingo

Elephant Plague

Hotdog Embargo

And Lemon Rampage

Baby Blue

Navy Blue

Gravy Blue

Maybe Blue

Grape and Rhubarbecue

Caribou Cabin Crew

Third Degree Verdigris

Turtle Infirmary

Phlurple

And Curdle and Terminal Burgundy

And-

Oh..

White?

You’d prefer White?

Okay …

Whatever...

White’s fine too…

I'm not hurt or anything

Just a bit Emulsional...

Satisfaction guaranteed

Cash in hand and no receipts

Your dream home is my debris

How’s about a cup of tea?

I can see a little room for improvement

I can see a little room for improvement

Yes,the fixtures are nice

But the quote don’t include them

I can see a little room for improvement

They say home is where the heart is

And that’s true enough I guess

‘Cause it seems like your garage is

Now in car-diac arrest

I’ve installed some extra arches

But your bathroom’s somewhat less

I’m afraid to say your bath

Is firmly parked upon your desk

I’m a stone cold filler

Pro roach killer

I’m a fixture of fitting in

A kitchen in your villa’

But my tea cup could use a little refill

And I don’t suppose you got a biscuit do ya’?

I’m no clever boffin

But you know I’m never stoppin'

I can stick up a partition quicker

Than you’d slot a noggin

I’ll be bodging ‘til my spirit’s level

Lying in a coffin

‘Til then I got a new side gig

IN PRESSURE WASHING!

Satisfaction guaranteed

Cash in hand and no receipts

Your dream home is my debris

How’s about a cup of tea?

I can see a little room for improvement

I can see a little room for improvement

You clearly just don't appreciate

The Brutalist movement.

I can see a little room for improvement

I can see a little room for improvement

I can see a little room for improvement

Regulations?

Nah, never use ‘em.

I can see a little room for improvement